In a way I think that the issue that has been there as the topmost thing, the one that has been bothering me above all has been the break-up without a doubt, but probably the impossibility for me to get over with suggests that there's something more. How I felt so insecure and uncertain about myself even when we were together and how I became possessive and jealous were all signs that I should've taken some kind of a control over those things way before and way earlier until it was too late for me to even realize how it affected.
I've learned a lot. The first time I've really tried to get a hold of myself and live independently was when she moved out. She forced me to face the reality and of course that has been the positive side in all this. But also after that my life hasn't been nothing but contrasts and contradicts - a struggle to find the balance. It's pretty much the same; within a day I can go from feeling that life's full of possibilities and nothing can stop me to just sitting on a couch, staring at the wall thinking that what there really is to look forward to? We had a number of plans and dreams to share with my ex. This summer we would do that and the next we could go there. Now all is just void and I really can say that at the moment I'm not looking forward to anything. I don't have dreams nor plans.
The very same thought has been running through my mind a lot too. What if she would've just died? Probably I still would've cursed how unfair life is so in a best scenario we would've crashed in a same car or had the same deadly disease. Now I think how come it's so easy for her to move on, what's there for her to smile about if not me? I used to make her smile so it simply can't be that someone else would be now, even though I want her to be happy.
I agree. Therapy is also about finding new ways to deal with issues along with opening things up, making yourself to be aware of them. It's about preparing yourself when something new comes up. When that happens, maybe you don't feel as small, useless nor powerless then. I don't want to bother those few mates I have with personal problems like this, in a way I can't even open up the way I'd like to or I would have to in order for me to let it all out.
Absolutely. The threshold is so high for one to go and see someone. I've noticed it myself now. But I'm definitely not against the idea and from time to time I feel that it could be the smartest thing I could do with my life at this point. Last summer I fixed my teeth so now it's probably time to get the rest of the head cleaned up. It's something a lot of people should do.
You were just a damn sequencer
Moving to the beat
Living with a synthesizer
Cold as a repeat
), certainly in the beginning but after a while details from the girl are fading and from then on you can move on. I still have bad days (when I'm alone)but my real friends are very supportive and caring, it helps a lot. Plus, I have too many stuff to do. But when everything is still fresh I know that weird feeling: it's like you're living outside of yourself, you do stuff but you aren't really aware of it. Conclusion: other and better and they don't diserve you (I say that for all of us guys).
ataraxia/ Ne te quaesiveris extra
